Gay or Straight – What Does It Matter?

Posted on May 14, 2012 by Diana Stevan

Two Gentlemen in New York's Easter Parade

I’ve been distracted from my writing lately by all  the media brouhaha about same-sex marriage. Unless you’ve been in a coma, or otherwise unavailable, you’ve heard that Joe Biden, vice-president of the United States, came out in favor of it on a talk show last week. Then, President Barack Obama followed suit by announcing he believed gays should have the same rights as straights when it came to matrimony. After that, the right wing media exploded. You’d think the president had committed the most grievous sin, when all he’d done was try to right a wrong.

When I was growing up in the 50s in Winnipeg, Manitoba, I, like most of my generation referred to gays as homos or fruits. We’d make jokes not directly at anyone suspected of homosexuality but there’d be asides, when we’d see a boy or young man exhibit any female traits, like crying, walking funny, or throwing a ball like a girl. As for girls who showed more male traits, well, they were kindly referred to as tomboys or in the extreme, butch. We were ignorant and didn’t know any better. But I don’t remember any bullying, not the kind that Mitt Romney, Republican candidate for the American presidency, is now accused of. Never saw any of that, thank God.

What I fail to understand, as I did back when I was growing up, was the argument that gays can choose to be gay. That they have a choice. Even when I was a therapist in the 70s, there was a belief amongst some psychologists, that through behavioral therapy, they could be cured. Psychiatry was also guilty back then of labeling gays as abnormal. At the time, a psychologist, with whom I worked, committed suicide rather than reveal that he was gay. He was married with kids, and to admit that he was pulled in another direction would’ve been impossible to bear. His fellow workers were devastated to learn he felt that way. We lost a great therapist.

Many argue sexuality is a choice. Who would choose being gay? You’d have to be insane to choose to be someone that is often ridiculed, condemned, and not given equal rights. Gays and lesbians have no more choice to be gay than a straight man or woman has the choice to be straight. Can you choose the color of your eyes, or the intelligence you’re born with? Why do some people think you can choose their sexuality? The only choice they have is to hide their gayness or come out of the closet so to speak.

Oscar Wilde

Society as a rule has been most unkind, judging sexuality that doesn’t fit a man-created norm. History is full of people who’ve suffered because of ignorance. The writer, Oscar Wilde, is one of countless numbers who’ve been persecuted for behavior that was normal and natural to them. He was tried and imprisoned for what was described as gross indecency with other men.

I also saw on the BBC the other day—in reaction to Obama’s announcement—an older couple mentioning that there were no homosexual animals, so therefore gays shouldn’t be allowed to marry. It is false that there are no homosexual animals in nature. There are apparently 1500 animal species that practice it. Nature has many colors. It is as natural in nature to have gay animals as it is natural to have gay men and women in our families.

Many Christians claim homosexuality is a sin.

7th c. Icon From St. Catherine's Monastery

How do they explain the contradictions within their faith? Apparently, there is evidence that in earlier Christian times, same sex unions were celebrated. A religious icon from St. Catherine’s monastery (now in the Kiev art museum in the Ukraine) shows what looks like Christ overseeing the marriage of two men.

There are so many more important issues in our time to grapple with than spend time debating whether we should or should not have same sex marriages. To quarrel about what is natural is a waste of time and resources.

Gay or straight, what does it matter? Who knows, maybe Jesus was gay. But no matter if he was straight or gay, he was all about loving your fellow man. And that is something I choose to follow. I’m straight, but if I’d been born gay, that should’ve been all right, too.

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The New Publishing Universe

Posted on May 4, 2012 by Diana Stevan

Random House in NY

On a recent trip to New York, one of the places my husband and I passed by on our daily walks was Random House, one of the Big Six in publishing. It’s every writer’s dream, at least I think it is, to have a book published by them or one of the other major players. But within the past year, there have been some dramatic changes in the publishing universe. This means writers no longer have to be published by one of the Big Six to have their dreams come true.

There have been many blog posters commenting on this new landscape for writers. Here are a few, if you’ve been wondering which way to go.

Kristen Lamb’s Blog Post  is an excellent examination of how the Big Six publishing giants are losing ground to Amazon, Apple, and Microsoft.

There’s more ongoing advice at Digital Book World about the e-reader explosion and its impact on writers.

And Literary Agent Jenny Bent has written an insightful post, on how the new publishing universe is affecting her work as a literary agent and what this means for authors.

The May/June issue of Writer’s Digest is chock full of advice about publishing today.

I wish I knew which direction to take with my novels. One thing I do know is there’s a lot of help out there for writers. Still, it would be nice to have a crystal ball.

I’d love to hear what sense you’re making of all the changes out there. Are you querying less? Are you checking out all the ways you can self-publish? Or are you still pursuing the traditional route?

 

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A Writer’s Reflections on Rowing

Posted on April 23, 2012 by Diana Stevan

I had the pleasure recently of rowing a boat in Central Park, New York. While paddling around on the lake, I got to thinking how much rowing is like writing. There are so many choices. You can go in circles getting nowhere, confused as to what direction to take. Or you can go backwards and forwards, essentially staying in the same spot. Or you can meander all over the place with no particular destination in mind. And then there is the rower who methodically plans out his journey from A to B, with little or no surprises along the way.

I suspect the writers who plan it all out are the ones who can knock off three novels in one year whereas the ones who meander take three or more years to write one.

I guess I belong to the latter group. I write like I row,  all over the place, letting the story, like the boat, take me to places I didn’t expect.

I don’t think I’m about to change the way I write. It doesn’t suit me to map it all out beforehand. I like surprises. I like the characters I’ve created to tell me things I didn’t know beforehand. I love following them in ways I hadn’t anticipated. That is when I have the most fun on the page.

Like rowing, writing isn’t just about the destination, it’s also about the journey. But no matter what plan you have for writing that great novel or short story, you still have to get to the end. Happy rowing.

Any comments on the above would be appreciated.

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Rebirth of a Masterpiece – Death of a Salesman

Posted on April 16, 2012 by Diana Stevan

Every once in awhile, a piece of writing sets itself apart from the others in its brilliance. The play, Death of a Salesman by Arthur Miller, written in 1949, is that piece of writing. It’s one that still touches the hearts of its audience and leaves it stunned at the end.

I had a chance to see it for the third time last week on Broadway. It didn’t disappoint. Starring Philip Seymour Hoffman as Willy Loman, Andrew Garfield (of Social Network fame) as Biff, this rebirth of a masterpiece, directed by Mike Nichols, did not disappoint. In fact, I left the theatre bawling.

So what is it about this story that connects in such a powerful way? What is it that makes this story timeless?

At the Ethel Barrymore Theatre

In examining what I’d heard and seen, I realized it wasn’t just Hollywood stars taking their turns at a classic. Nor was it Mike Nichol’s brilliant direction. They all did a magnificent job bringing this play to the stage once again. But it was more than star power that had the audience on its feet in a standing ovation. It was Arthur Miller’s words that made it all happen. Without them, there wouldn’t have been this theatrical magic.

What Arthur Miller did was create a character that any man (or woman) could relate to. The lead character, Willy Loman, is a man with dreams and a man who loves his family so much that he embellishes his work life as a traveling salesman to impress his wife and his two sons. When he encounters trouble along the way, he keeps it to himself. He keeps up the facade he’s created. He can’t face the fact that he isn’t successful nor is he the man he pretends to be. He’s too proud (his failing) to admit the truth. In the end, his lies catch up with him. He’s a broken man who’s no longer the hero to his boys nor the breadwinner for his wife. He tried to live the American dream, but it didn’t pan out for him.

It’s hard to say whether the dream broke him, or he broke the dream. It’s that ambiguity that has the audience leaving the theater thinking about life’s choices. As a writer, I can only hope to write such a story.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this play or your thoughts on my thoughts.

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Life Lessons in the Garden

Posted on April 7, 2012 by Diana Stevan

When I was a young girl, I watched my mother plant red salvia and white allysum on both sides of our front walk.  At the time, I didn’t appreciate what else she was planting. Perhaps, she was also unaware that she was planting more than pretty blooms. Gardens have suggestions on how to live if we just take time to look.

Nature with its glorious display of plants and flowers bursting from a long winter’s sleep tell us it’s all right to begin anew.There’s nothing like springtime to inspire growth or new ideas and to evaluate where you’re going.

Whether it’s writing, or some other creative pursuit, spring is a great time to take stock.  Weed out the old ideas, the ones that keep us feeling less than beautiful outside and in. Plant some new ideas, ones that will carry us like the wind carries seeds to new places and new wonders.  This can be a great time to  renew, recharge, or just plain change where and how you’ve rooted yourself. It’s surprising the life lessons that are found in the garden.

And for those celebrating Easter or any other family celebration  at this time of year, you might want to have a look at an earlier post of mine, Ukrainian Easter. It isn’t only nature that gets me thinking, family memories churn my mind as well.

Happy Spring and Happy Planting.

 

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Not Your Typical Fairy Tale

Posted on April 1, 2012 by Diana Stevan

Growing up reading fairy tales and seeing films with a happy Hollywood ending, I expected more or less the same kind of ending  when I got married. I soon found out it took more than love to keep a relationship working. Unlike fairy tales, couples in love don’t always live happily ever after. It takes work and the willingness to listen and the willingness to accommodate one another to get through the rough spots. No one prepares you for that.

That’s why it was so refreshing to see the film The Last Kiss, a story about a number of couples, young and old, who find a number of surprises during their couple journeys, –ones they hadn’t expected. This film is an honest portrayal of what it takes to make a relationship work. It shows not only what happens when one partner in a relationship screws up but what needs to happen to get that relationship back on track. It isn’t about ditching and running when the love sours. When one breaks the vows, it takes a lot of forgiveness to keep going together. The Last Kiss is remarkable in showing the truth of many relationships. Oscar winning screenwriter, Paul Haggis, did a wonderful job adapting the screenplay from the  2001 Italian film L’ultimo bacio.

When couples decide to split without giving their relationships one more chance, it gives the old expression throwing out the baby with the bath water new meaning.

With divorces so high, with more and more young men and women choosing to live singly, with birth rates down, I wonder what you think about marriage? What do you think it takes to make a marriage work?  Or is the prospect of commitment scarier than ever?

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The Curious Appeal of Tragedy

Posted on March 23, 2012 by Diana Stevan

After watching the film, Love Liza with the incredibly talented Philip Seymour Hoffman, I wondered what it was about this story that kept me engaged. It was depressing.  And yet, the film won the Waldo Salt screenwriting award at the Sundance Film Festival in 2002. It’s about a man who becomes incredibly lost and disturbed following the death of his wife. What is it about this type of tragedy that keeps me and you glued to the screen?

Are we hooked on tragedy because there but for the grace of God go I? Is this what compels us to keep watching? Or have we all had some brush with tragedy, so much so, that we understand the depth of another man or woman’s despair? Or do we watch someone self-destruct because we don’t understand and want to?

As a therapist for over 25 years, I saw many depressed people. People like the character that Philip Seymour Hoffman played. Some depressions were once thought to have arisen from some genetic predisposition.  In other words, some people were thought to have the genes that made it harder for them to enjoy life. They had to work hard to keep themselves from going over the edge. Today, the medical profession doesn’t completely rule out genetics but focuses more on the triggers in life that get people down. Like the one in the Love Liza story, where a wife’s death sends her husband into depths so dark he can’t escape.

Depression is dark; it’s anger, sorrow, frustration, and guilt all wrapped up in an ugly package. Maybe we read and watch these stories to wake ourselves up. To remind ourselves to smile, laugh, and play. To make the choices that gladden our hearts rather than darken them. To keep on the light side, even when we stumble into tragedy ourselves. Laughter and tears are often intertwined.  Here’s wishing you much laughter.

 

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A Korean Novel Illuminates Mothers Everywhere

Posted on March 16, 2012 by Diana Stevan

It’s still a few months away from Mother’s Day, the day we publicly honour our mothers. I was reminded of mine, when I read the wonderful international bestseller, Please Look After Mom. Its Korean author, Kyung-sook Shin tells the story of a woman with dementia and how the ravages of that illness affect her children and her husband. But the story isn’t so much about the illness. Rather, it’s about a family’s hopes, dreams, and disappointments through the voices of the children, the father, and the mother. No one escapes unscathed in this family drama, not even the mother, but this is life. Through the lens of each family member, we learn not only of their struggles to make sense of their lives, but we also learn about our own.

What surprised me and my friend, who loaned me this novel, was the universality of this story. My friend said, “It made me stop and think there are others around the globe who go through the same joys and despairs as I do.”

I felt the same way about this book, as I did about the Iranian film, A Separation.  Stories like these can bring us closer together as people.

Korean Cover

I was lucky I had a mother who lived long enough for me to appreciate her. Part of my problem was that as a young girl, I was so enamored with my father that I didn’t see the woman my mother was until I became a mother and grandmother myself.  Perhaps it was because my mother wasn’t always kind to me. She was very critical at times, and too often I felt that I could never measure up. Now, I look back and understand she set high standards. She wanted the world for me and she wanted me to figure out how I could get that on my own.

Like the mother in Kyung-sook Shin’s novel, mine also brought boxes of food she’d lovingly prepared when she came to visit me. Oh, what I wouldn’t do to experience that all over again.

It’s often been said that education is wasted on the young. I feel wiser and more thankful now that I’ve lived through a number of acts. And yet now that I’m in my third act, I realize how much more I still have to learn. Does any of this resonate with you? Do books like this make you stop and think about your own journey with your mother? Or your journey as a mother?

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A Holocaust Survivor’s Secret of Happiness

Posted on March 9, 2012 by Diana Stevan

I  was sent the following youtube video by one of my friends. It got me thinking of how much control each one of us has over our own happiness, no matter what life throws us. For the most part, unless our depression is biological, we can choose to sink to the darkest depths of despair or rise above it and focus on the positives. Here is an interview by Anthony Robbins, the motivational guru, who interviews Alice Herz-Sommer, a former concert pianist and a 108 yr. old survivor of the holocaust. Hers is an unusual story. One glove doesn’t fit all, but there is something to learn from this indomitable human spirit.

 

The video got me thinking of my own grandmother, my Baba, the one whose memoir I’m writing. She was tested many times in her life.  She lost a husband, children, survived wartime with all its horrors, overcame an epidemic illness, and rose above poverty. And yet, I did not see her as an unhappy person.  She wasn’t wealthy and ended up living  with my mom, dad and me in a two bedroom downstairs suite of a rooming house. All she had was her small government pension but I never heard her complain. All she wanted was for her family to be well and for them to get along. Her devotion to God, her church and her family kept her going. She laughed and sang and didn’t dwell on what went wrong. Sometimes, our greatest teachers on how to live are the ones who’ve survived the worst in life.

What do you think? Is your cup half empty or half full? Do you think we can make our own happiness?

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A Separation – A Universal Film and Story

Posted on February 29, 2012 by Diana Stevan

I saw A Separation the week before it won best foreign film at the Oscars.  Shot in a very intimate fashion—no panoramic shots of city or country—this film tells a story that could be told anywhere. The movie’s about a man struggling with a father who has Alzheimer’s and a wife who doesn’t want to be there anymore. There’s also a child. I was riveted by the brilliantly acted family drama taking place on the screen. Because director and screenwriter, Asghar Farhadi, wrote an honest screenplay, a story that occurs in homes all over the globe, it was easy to become engaged.  A Separation shows the raw emotion that all family members undergo as they try to cope with a family crisis, one that’s compounded by a care worker’s woes.

As Robert McKee teaches in his great Story seminars, it’s all about story. If it’s not on the page, it won’t be on the screen.

What also impressed me about A Separation is the fact that this is an Iranian film. There is so much news right now about Iran’s drive to obtain nuclear energy and what this could mean if they decide to build a nuclear bomb. Israel worries it could be the target. But none of this is in the film. It isn’t about one country fighting another. It’s about a family trying to get through another day. In the end, I was left with the understanding that the choices we make have serious consequences. Once a couple takes a step towards a separation, there is often no turning back.

It would be nice to also see this film as a way of uniting us all, despite our cultural and religious differences. Like the characters in this film, we share the same dreams: to be loved, to have a supportive family, and to have the means to live out our days in reasonable comfort.  Whether we’re American, Canadian, Iranian, Israeli, or from any other country, we are more alike in our dreams than not.

 

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